Politically Incorrect ****ADULTS ONLY *** [Archive] - Page 2

Jad51

10-08-10, 10:30 AM

And God Created New Zealand ...

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look,
Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things.

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an island and said,
"What's that one?"

"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful
mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people
from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of
good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia. Wait till you see the
idiots I put there."

Jad51

10-08-10, 10:57 AM

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/ATT00013.jpg

Jad51

10-08-10, 11:09 AM

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

oldfart

10-08-10, 04:03 PM

Well done Jad.....:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

Fatherted

10-08-10, 06:06 PM

awesome lol

oldfart

10-08-10, 09:39 PM

: He said to me...

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . .. You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . ... A widow.

He said to me . .. .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Jad51

12-08-10, 09:12 AM

Today's word is ................. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations. "
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

.

bensonMB

12-08-10, 12:38 PM

Jaddles, I love your humour...

oldfart

12-08-10, 08:29 PM

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

.

bensonMB

13-08-10, 01:44 AM

ROFL!

pipe

13-08-10, 08:17 AM

.:)

oldfart

14-08-10, 08:37 PM

Learn from your elders .. Us old buggas still got the edge...:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

pipe

14-08-10, 09:54 PM

rofl

Jad51

16-08-10, 11:53 AM

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise

oldfart

16-08-10, 11:57 AM

Oh dear Jad that is so way out there...Poor Susan looks like she is going to miss out again LOL..

Fatherted

18-08-10, 07:57 AM

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
X67861

Fatherted

18-08-10, 07:59 AM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

Badda bing!

bensonMB

18-08-10, 09:16 AM

LOL

Fatherted

19-08-10, 06:51 PM

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

oldfart

19-08-10, 07:48 PM

LOl LOL :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

Jad51

20-08-10, 02:56 PM

An Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK , was
drinking in a local pub in Warwick, gets a Call on his mobile 'phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for
everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the
Australian just shrugs,

"That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical
Australian Baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were
hard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Australian returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So how much does
he weigh now?"

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned.

"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Australian father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............

"Had him circumcised, mate"

Jad51

20-08-10, 03:51 PM

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in
distress.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.

"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better.”
without the shit inside!"

Fatherted

20-08-10, 05:02 PM

lol good ones

oldfart

23-08-10, 01:18 PM

Hope you can count ......

On his 77th birthday, an old Sioux Indian Chief, Keechi Totoc, was made by his

squaw wife to visit the medicine man living on a nearby tee-pee. It was rumored

he had a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction (in Indian talk this was called "little big horn").

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old Chief,

and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ' This is a powerful medicine,

and must be respected. You take only two sips, and then say

'1-2-3. ' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have

ever been in whole life, and you can perform as long as you wantum."

The old Indian was excited. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do

Indian Chief stopum medicine from working?"

"Your squaw wife must say ' 1-2-3-4, ' " he responded, "but when she does,

the medicine will no work again until next full moon."

The old Chief was very eager to do this so he ran home, took two sips

of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him on buffalo robe. When she

came in, he took off his buckskins and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the

manliest of men.

His squaw wife was excited and began throwing off her robes, and then she

asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end your sentences with

a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling participle.

oldfart

23-08-10, 01:21 PM

Oh shit .........................

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,

she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over

and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Jad51

24-08-10, 10:23 AM

An aboriginal man walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome,
marches straight up to the counter and mumbles,
"'ey, you falla.... I don' wanna be on dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says,
Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $60,000 a year."

The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it....”

Jad51

24-08-10, 01:35 PM

One day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
>
>
> We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the Vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
> My husband and the Vet don't see eye to eye. The Vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the Vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
> The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The Doctor's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the Vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
> He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
>
> 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
>
> Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Jad51

26-08-10, 10:02 AM

Camilla Parker Bowles

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding to Charles, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
'Charles, darling, please remove my shoes......
my feet are killing me.'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

'Harder!' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling!
But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on, Give it all you've got.' she cried.

Finally, when it released,
Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
'There. Oh, God, that feels so good!

'In their bedroom next door,
the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

'See? I told you with a face like that,
she had to still be a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
'Oh, God, darling. This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man

Pronto

26-08-10, 03:21 PM

Nice Jad, nice. That made my day.

Fatherted

26-08-10, 06:10 PM

lol good one

oldfart

27-08-10, 04:40 PM

Don't phone your vet in the middle of the night

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her
neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only
problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and
the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she
was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly
awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed
downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The
dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do
next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a
rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained
the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and
place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the
noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection
and be able to withdraw from the bitch"
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"
"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!".

Fatherted

27-08-10, 05:00 PM

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,
but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a f””kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

oldfart

28-08-10, 08:01 PM

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were in excess of 100 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this..

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

oldfart

29-08-10, 11:04 PM

TAX TIME A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

oldfart

30-08-10, 02:37 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
Product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

bensonMB

30-08-10, 10:53 PM

LOL!

oldfart

02-09-10, 09:08 PM

A test for little Trevor.....

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough.

She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Jad51

03-09-10, 12:13 PM

Love it Old

bensonMB

03-09-10, 12:20 PM

LOL, put me back in 1st grade too, lol.

Jad51

06-09-10, 10:18 AM

I went up to a fat chick at the pub, "have u got a pen" i asked, she replied "yes" so I said "You had better get back in it before the farmer notices that your gone"

oldfart

06-09-10, 10:56 AM

I went up to a fat chick at the pub, "have u got a pen" i asked, she replied "yes" so I said "You had better get back in it before the farmer notices that your gone"

Oh dear LOL.....

oldfart

07-09-10, 04:30 PM

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Math

08-09-10, 12:41 AM

Oh dear...haha!

Spiers

08-09-10, 09:58 PM

ROFL!!!!

oldfart

10-09-10, 12:07 AM

But wait there is more ... Or less depends how you look at it ----

IN a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

oldfart

10-09-10, 09:25 PM

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got a FUCKING rabbit at home.

Jad51

23-09-10, 12:45 PM

Save Money and the enviroment
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled-14.png

Below is a Photo of An Accident Near New Orleans Involving Two Trucks And A "Smart Car.

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled1-3.png

F#$K the Enviroment

Jad51

24-09-10, 10:27 AM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

I did warn you...

Fatherted

24-09-10, 06:30 PM

oh dear TAXI

Pronto

09-11-10, 06:20 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed out the R ! We missed out the R ! We missed out the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEB R ATE !!!

Pronto

09-11-10, 06:25 PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Pronto

09-11-10, 06:31 PM

Four Guys go Camping

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did - and then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, here I am.

Pronto

09-11-10, 06:33 PM

A hypnotist at the Old Folks Home

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he Announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up Here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each And every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a Beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family five or six Generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and Forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and Forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds Of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the Floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home.

zavrix

09-11-10, 07:45 PM

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

zavrix

09-11-10, 07:47 PM

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. ...Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.." After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back

oldfart

10-11-10, 05:14 PM

Morals........

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Perth and Fremantle, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
?If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k him'.

Pronto

11-11-10, 04:54 AM

I gave my missus an orgasm last night...she musn't have enjoyed it cause she spat it out!!

Fatherted

15-11-10, 06:19 PM

A woman from Matakana who was a tree hugger, Greens supporter, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of bush land near Coromandel.

There was a large Kauri tree on one of the highest points on the block. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.. As she neared the top she encountered a mynah bird that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid
down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Thames Hospital to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a Greenie, and an anti-hunter
and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her
story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining
room and he would see if he could help her...

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Department of Conservation, Resource Management Act, County Council, Regional Authority and Iwi before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

God save NZ!!!

Fatherted

15-11-10, 06:23 PM

There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions..
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4.. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1... The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellip ses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts..

Fatherted

22-11-10, 06:16 PM

top nine comments made by broadcasters at NBC

Here are the top nine comments made by broadcasters at NBC sports so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Fatherted

22-11-10, 06:17 PM

Truths About Life

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.

Fatherted

22-11-10, 06:18 PM

ictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

Fatherted

22-11-10, 06:22 PM

Silence in Court!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s h *tting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Fatherted

25-11-10, 09:06 PM

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something...

Wabli

26-11-10, 11:01 AM

LMAO:PDT_Armataz_01_14[1

zavrix

26-11-10, 02:19 PM

Nice posts Fatherted, made me lmfao

Pronto

26-11-10, 06:08 PM

Doctor Don had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Don, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Don.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Don...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

Fatherted

26-11-10, 09:49 PM

lol good one

nig

29-11-10, 05:50 PM

lol

Fatherted

30-11-10, 08:13 PM

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniel.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Fatherted

06-12-10, 08:18 PM

Colin, the Aborigine

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating

crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has

the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,

jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all kinds of

stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the
croc were screaming and raising hell..

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,
'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'

Jad51

13-12-10, 05:13 PM

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

Jad51

13-12-10, 05:35 PM

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled-15.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled1-6.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled2-2.jpg

Jad51

14-12-10, 11:20 AM

ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it..

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Fatherted

15-12-10, 07:45 PM

2010 Darwin Awards 8th Place..... In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place.... A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place ...While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place... Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flash light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place.... Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place.... After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into Florida 's H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION... Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed!

RUNNER UP... Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'.

Pronto

11-01-11, 12:16 AM

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice… ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76… 39%.

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

Fatherted

20-01-11, 07:41 AM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Wabli

21-01-11, 07:06 AM

A man after me own heart :all_coholic[1]::24[1]::PDT_Armataz_01_29[1

Charlie Sheen spent 26k on escorts

January 20, 2011, 10:30 amBang Showbiz
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen splashed out $26,000 on three escorts during a wild weekend in Las Vegas recently.
Celebrity

Charlie Sheen is said to have spent $26,000 on escorts during his wild Las Vegas weekend.

The 'Two and a Half Men' actor was reportedly high on drugs and spent $10,000 alone on a prostitute called Ginger - who he first approached online, boasting he was an A-List star - during his 48-hour stay at the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa inside the Fantasy Tower at the Palms Casino Resort.

A source told RadarOnline.com: "Ginger said Charlie was high on cocaine when she got to the room and continued to do drugs in front of her. He was totally out of it and clearly had been partying all night long.

"Charlie told Ginger this wasn't just a one night stand and that he plans to reconnect with her during the next time he is in Las Vegas. From what she has said, he had a very good time with her and she is just his type."

Along with Ginger, 45-year-old Charlie is also said to have spent $8,000 each on two other escorts.

The actor reportedly enjoyed a "revolving door" of gorgeous women visiting him in the suite on the same weekend, among them porn star Bree Olsen Jesse James' ex-mistress Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee.

Charlie's latest blow-out came after he fired his sober coach, who had been hired after he trashed a New York hotel room and was found naked by police.

A source said: "The sober coach never went back to work for Charlie. He has not heard from Charlie since he told him not to start New Year's Day (01.01.11)."

Fatherted

21-01-11, 10:32 PM

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little "incident". she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

oldfart

21-01-11, 10:51 PM

LOL classic..

Jad51

08-02-11, 11:08 AM

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F****d if I know, I've never got this far before"

Jad51

10-02-11, 05:31 PM

What boil would you really not want on your knob?
.

Susan :biglaugh[1]:

Fatherted

14-02-11, 07:48 PM

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

She does. A long, deep, passionate kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

pipe

19-02-11, 01:21 AM

lol very good

pipe

19-02-11, 01:22 AM

Two cows eating grass in a paddock,

one turns to the other and says

"what do you think of this mad cow disease buisness"

The other cow replied "fucked if i know i'm a helicopter"

bensonMB

20-02-11, 12:57 AM

Susan :biglaugh[1]:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fatherted

30-03-11, 06:53 PM

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Fatherted

30-03-11, 06:54 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Brunette Joke

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Breast stroke

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.

As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms."

bensonMB

31-03-11, 11:39 AM

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

ROFL...ROFL

Spiers

01-04-11, 11:16 AM

The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for
a new player to hopefully win them the Super 14 again. One scout informs
him of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch
him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for
the Blues.

Two weeks later, The Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with
only 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to
go on.

The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes and wins the game
for the Blues. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
ecstatic, and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his
first day playing rugby for the Blues. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I
played for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 tries and
we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they
all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day". "Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a
great time.

The young lad is very upset. What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry.

"Sorry?!" says his Mum "Its your fault that we moved to Manurewa in the
first place!"

Fatherted

04-04-11, 06:29 PM

Some more quickies for you .

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some ba**ard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

Spiers

05-04-11, 10:26 AM

ROFL those are good FatherTed

Fatherted

05-04-11, 10:39 PM

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived Far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

Dearest Ben, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift....The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,
Mama

bensonMB

05-04-11, 10:47 PM

LOL, keep em coming Father,

bless

benny

Fatherted

06-04-11, 07:55 PM

Default Truck stop

I was in a truck stop listening to two long-distance truck drivers complaining of the increase of traffic on the roads.

One said he can remember his Father telling him about how he used to leave Amsterdam on a Monday, drive to the south of Italy, make his delivery and be back home on Wednesday lunch time.

The second said his Father used to leave Cherbourg on a Monday, down to the south of Portugal and back by Tuesday lunchtime.

At this juncture I had to chip in "my Granddad told me that he would leave the south of England on a Monday evening, go to Hamburg, drop his load and he'd be back in England early on Tuesday morning!"

"Fook me" exclaimed the other two "what was he driving?"

"I think it was a called a Lancaster".

Fatherted

06-04-11, 07:58 PM

Seven Dwarfs

Seven dwarfs went to meet the pope,
"Go on dopey, ask," chanted the other six.
"Ok," said dopey, "Sir are there nuns in alaska?"
"Yes there are," said the pope.
"Go on dopey," ask him urged the other six.
"Ok," said dopey "Sir are there black nuns in alaska?"
"Yes there are," said the pope.
"Go on dopey, ask him."
Dopey blushed and said,"Are there midget nuns in alaska?"
"No i dont think so," said the pope.
Then all 6 leapt up shouting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin."
"Dopey shagged a penguin."

Fatherted

07-04-11, 06:22 PM

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT US!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someonebelieve you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,

why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses

are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Fatherted

10-04-11, 06:27 PM

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.

The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."

The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"

"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.

"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

bensonMB

05-05-11, 01:51 AM

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay
them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire - ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - car
Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids/grandkids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....and there's
your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading
schemes that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy
bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or
we shut them down.

It can't get any easier than that!

And if more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think
this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard.

Grumpies of the World Unite

Other points you might consider:

Put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home, then
the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd
also receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc. They’d have constant video monitoring so
if assistance was needed they’d have immediate help. Bedding would be
washed twice a week, and all clothing would be washed and ironed as
needed. There would be a guard to check on them every 20 minutes and
staff to bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor
yard, with gardens for anyone who felt the need to exercise.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls and there
would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and all guards would
have a code of conduct that would have to be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised
day and night. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week; live in a
tiny room and pay £600.00 per week without any hope of ever getting
out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

******

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that, during the
mad cow epidemic, our government could track a single cow, born almost
three years ago in Appleby, right to the stall where she slept in the
county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their
individual stalls.. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal
immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each
illegal immigrant a cow.

******

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

barber

05-05-11, 08:00 AM

lol nice one Benson

Fatherted

05-05-11, 06:24 PM

I've just got back from my mate Dave's house where I met his brother, Tony, who is built like a brick shit-house.

On the flip-side of that, he's also retarded, and to demonstrate this my mate told me he could tell Tony to do anything and he would do it.

With that Dave says, "Tony... piss yourself." And, believe it or not, he did just that.

"Shit," I exclaimed and suddenly, before my very eyes, this mammoth of a man began straining until he had indeed shat himself.

The next three words out of my mouth will haunt me for the rest of my life, "WELL FOOK M....

bensonMB

06-05-11, 12:56 AM

LOL

oldfart

06-05-11, 09:56 AM

Very much LOL LOL LOL....

Fatherted

08-05-11, 09:06 AM

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to clean it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

bensonMB

08-05-11, 10:58 AM

rofl

oldfart

08-05-11, 06:39 PM

Oh dear fantastic LOL LOL...

Fatherted

09-05-11, 06:23 PM

Male life cycle....

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything Was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
Suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally Predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
Decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She Rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
Impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun Initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with Some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the Ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
Everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

barber

10-05-11, 08:04 AM

lol

oldfart

11-05-11, 05:05 PM

sweet dreams

Well I heard that osama bin laden was not killed in a fancy well guarded mansion - He was actually shot at the local biscuit factory, he was apparently hiding behind the Afghans

Fatherted

16-05-11, 06:17 PM

CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her
belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come
and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the
last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on
some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each
and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into
the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back
with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping,
and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and
carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
time
The two had to move out for afew days, and
in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit..
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any
longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd
cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky
house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local
realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a
purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked
how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She
listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would
be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the
house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the
smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the
house had been worth ... But only if she would sign the papers that very
day.
She agreed, and within two hours his
lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend
stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home ......
... And to spite the ex-wife, they even
took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

bensonMB

16-05-11, 09:16 PM

lol

Fatherted

26-05-11, 10:55 PM

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE & POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This happened in Charlotte N. Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare & expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires’ ... The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued & WON! (Stay with me) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable & also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' & was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy & costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling & paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim & testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property & was sentenced to 24 months in jail & a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA ...

Jad51

27-05-11, 09:45 PM

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into
bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

Fatherted

02-06-11, 09:23 PM

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...

(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

Fatherted

05-06-11, 06:58 AM

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'..
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Fatherted

10-06-11, 03:52 PM

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
Buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
About the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
Want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
Time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
Time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
Man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him

Fatherted

14-06-11, 06:44 PM

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

bensonMB

14-06-11, 09:15 PM

eww, images flood the mind.

Pronto

23-06-11, 09:39 AM

Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is brake line sabotage...

Pronto

23-06-11, 09:59 AM

An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."

I said, "I know he has but at your age you shouldn't really be looking."

************************************************** ********************

How can you tell which kid at school is Elton John's?

He's the one adding salt to his milk

bensonMB

25-06-11, 12:04 AM

sad Pronto, ur going to hell for sure

Jad51

27-06-11, 07:23 PM

The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin (someone sent this to me and I thought it meant For Your Information) - beginning to wonder now!

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

Fatherted

28-06-11, 10:50 PM

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma,you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

28th|MB|]-[ats*

28-06-11, 11:09 PM

The wife turns to her Husband wile looking in the mirror and tells him "I wish I had bigger tits.

So he replies "why dont you wipe them with toilet paper every day.

How will that help "She asked

well you wipe your bum with it and its never stop growing.:biglaugh[1]:

Pronto

29-06-11, 01:40 PM

A man went to a doctor to have his dick enlarged. The particular procedure involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk onto the end. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant.

After cocktails, the man's prick crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the prick came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again ?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I'd like to, but I don't think my arse can take another crusty roll !"

Fatherted

30-06-11, 08:03 AM

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

bensonMB

30-06-11, 10:22 PM

ROFL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fatherted

04-07-11, 10:56 AM

??Patrick walks into a ?? bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of ?? Guinness & sits in the ?? corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of ?? each pint in turn. ??

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three
more. ??

The barman says, ?? "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." ??

Patrick ?? replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; &
de odder in Australia ; ?? ??& here I am in Dublin . ??When we all left
home, ?? we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all
drank ?? togedder." ??

The barman admits that ?? this is a nice custom & says no more. ??

Patrick becomes a ?? regular customer, & always ?? drinks the same way
....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out ?? of each in turn,
until they are finished. ??

One day, he comes ?? in & orders just two pints. ??

All the other regulars ?? in the bar notice! ?? ??& fall silent. ??

When he goes back to ?? the bar for the second round,

The barman says, ?? "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused ?? for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts
to laugh,

"Oh no," he ?? says, "Bejesus, ?? everyone is fine! ??

Tis me, ................... ??

I've Quit Drinking!" ??

Fatherted

06-07-11, 09:54 PM

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2009!
Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
Malcolm said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

zavrix

08-07-11, 12:19 PM

The Tiger A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Fatherted

08-07-11, 10:48 PM

http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/2264/demotivationalposterswo.jpg

Fatherted

09-07-11, 09:55 AM

Mess to clean up after Auckland 2.9 earthquake
http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/2671/devastationi.jpg

28th|MB|Ben

10-07-11, 04:28 PM

Bin Laden Had No
Chance To Excape

http://www.photoblip.com/images/763/3d50307fab60cdae50c8c4af8b489d94.jpg

Fatherted

15-07-11, 08:24 AM

http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/7246/demotivationalpostersbo.jpg

Pronto

26-07-11, 09:17 PM

What's the difference between amy winehouse and a quad bike? A quad bike can hit 30.

My dyslexic mate's just rang me saying there's been a death at an army warehouse.

Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.

Some say she once tried to snort the Stig....

I'd like to be the first to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 24 hours of sobriety.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse & Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke...

Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends. Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.

Amy Winehouse; She took more shots in her arm than a Norwegian youth camp.

Fatherted

26-07-11, 10:31 PM

Lets Offend Everyone

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you??
The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm having that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I??"
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You're in that feckin basket.

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

28th|MB|]-[ats*

26-07-11, 11:02 PM

Q: Whats worse than having Britney Spears as a mom?
A: Having Amy Winehouse as a nanny!

Q: Why did the Amy Winehouse snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: What's worth more than a black market kidney or liver?
A: Amy Winehouse's nose hairs!

Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson?
A: Nothing, now.

Q. Why does Amy Winehouse have a tattoo of a pocket on her boob?
A. It's where she keeps the tattoo of her keys.

Q: What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse?
A: February makes it to 28!

Q: What is Amy Winehouse's last wish?
A: For all her loved ones to please form a line!

Q: What's more toxic to babies than Chinese milk?
A: Amy Winehouse breastfeeding your kids!

Q: How do you know your playing a tennis match with Amy Winehouse?
A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

Q: Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem.
A: Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene.

Singer Amy Winehouse was rushed to a London hospital Monday night.
Apparently she walked naked past a mirror and saw her penis.

Q: Why was Amy Winehouse being treated for an adverse reaction to medication?
A: Doctor said she had overdosed on fresh air.

Q: Amy Winehouse just received the starring role in what movie?
A: Fraggle Rock: The Movie

Q: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards?
A: Sell them on Ebay to buy crack!

Q: What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Amy Winehouse jokes?
A: The jokes will get old.

Q: What’s the difference between me and Amy Winehouse?
A: Amy has more money, but I woke up on Saturday!

Q: How do men pick up Amy Winehouse?
A: With a stretcher!

Q: How do you know you have upset god?
A: When he sends you to rehab permanently!

Q: What did Amy Winehouse say right before she died?
A: "How about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this line of coke...disappear!"

Q: What have Amy Winehouse and a fly got in common?
A: They’re both six feet.

In world news today Switzerland just medicalised heroin!
In other news, Amy Winehouse is moving to Switzerland!

Q: What did the devil say to Amy Winehouse?
A: Amy you should've went to rehab but you said no, no, no!

Q: Why is Amy Winehouse having fainting spells?
A: Her crack levels are getting low!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse have in common?
A: They both have a 10 year old crack addiction!

Q: Which movie starring Amy Winehouse is getting Oscar buzz?
A: "Coke Whore"

Q: What is Amy Winehouse's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit?
A: Her last one!

28th|MB|]-[ats*

26-07-11, 11:16 PM

Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

Q: What's red and screams?
A: Skinned baby in salt.

Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.

Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A baby.

Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.

Q: What's sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it's way out.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."

Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.

Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.

Q: What os white, red, and can't turn around in corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!

Q: What does D.A.M stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: Whats the best thing about Pocahontas in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back and she looks 15...

Q: What does a guy and a car have in common?
A: They both have the ability to misfire.

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.

Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!

If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.

Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.

Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner

28th|MB|]-[ats*

26-07-11, 11:17 PM

Dirty Short Bar Jokes

Handjob
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Flaslight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Police Officer
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Old Couple
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis

Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice

Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A:Because he was looking for Pooh

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: FUCKS FUNNY

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Jad51

30-07-11, 11:23 AM

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2020135/iPhone-Damn-You-Auto-Correct-Smartphone-users-left-red-faced.html

28th|MB|]-[ats*

30-07-11, 06:09 PM

I Just Had Sex (feat. Akon)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

Sorry I put this here because someone blocked posting it in the YouTube part with there failed attempt to link a YouTube clip.

Fatherted

05-08-11, 10:36 PM

1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male......................The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female................Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male.....................Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female.............The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...................Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female..............A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...................Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.............A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male..................Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female............An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male.................A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female............The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male.................Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female............A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male.................A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Fatherted

08-08-11, 11:15 PM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a Big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, And this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the Wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

'Will you f00k off? I'm trying to have a shit.'

Fatherted

09-08-11, 06:18 PM

Obama flying into Chicago for his 50th B-day fund raiser looked at Biden, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Biden shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 310 million people VERY Happy!

Fatherted

18-08-11, 07:28 AM

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************

A women asks man who is travelling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

************************************************** *******

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between

confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

************************************************** *******

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Fatherted

19-08-11, 07:59 AM

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

:PDT_Armataz_01_26[1

Pronto

19-08-11, 09:03 PM

Love it.

Jad51

21-08-11, 10:35 AM

I went to audition for the part of the Artful Dodger in a production of Oliver Twist. When I found out I hadn't got the role and had lost it to an Asian I went and asked the director what was wrong with my audition.
"Nothing," he said "but under our new equal rights policy we've got to pick a Paki or two."

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans.

I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?"

Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.

Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Brisbane Show a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Question - are there too many immigrants in Australia?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of bloody Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Just $3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa.

But don't let your heart rule your head. Maccas are selling a double cheese burger for $2-99.

100 people from Sydney were asked today if they thought Australia should change its currency.

98% said no, they were happy with the C-Link (a check paid by the government to someone who is sick or does not have a job)

A bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

"I just screwed the girl next door" he says proudly.

"Well done son. I hope you were wearing something."

"Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks.

Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Paddy bursts into the Centrelink office.

"I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone."

Girl replies, "Those are our opening times you daft bastard."

Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?'

Naturally I said 'Niggers.'
Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.

She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them.

When I said "Wave" they all ran away!

Fatherted

21-08-11, 06:07 PM

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale... Bob has been missing since last Friday.

bensonMB

26-08-11, 10:22 AM

lol

Fatherted

27-08-11, 10:29 AM

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and innormal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

bensonMB

16-09-11, 12:05 PM

what did the dyslexic robber say when he ran in to rob a bank...

‎"air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuck up"

Fatherted

17-09-11, 03:53 PM

juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Fatherted

23-09-11, 07:58 AM

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia , but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who was that, bro?'

'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing ............ Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?

Pronto

29-09-11, 06:23 PM

Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate.

As he gets closer, he sees it's a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in shit.

"The poor wee animal," thinks Bob, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.

When he's finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in shit. Bob sets about wiping the shit off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it's plastered in shit as well.

"What is going on here?" says Bob, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.

Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes:

"Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I'm running out of squirrels."
* *

Fatherted

20-10-11, 08:31 AM

Siamese twins worse place to be joined
http://desmond.imageshack.us/Himg37/scaled.php?server=37&filename=siamesenuttwins.jpg&res=medium

Pronto

20-10-11, 11:02 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/313000_294930650536395_205344452828349_1134002_149 809220_n.jpg

Fatherted

22-10-11, 10:55 PM

Two boys are playing with a rugby ball on the street outside Eden Park
in Auckland , when one is attacked by a vicious rottweiler. Thinking
quickly, the other boy grabbed a stick and wedged it under the dog's
collar and twisting it he luckily broke the dog's neck and stopped the attack.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes to interview the boy.

"Young Warrior Fan Saves Friend," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Warriors fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we're in Auckland , I assumed you were," and starts again.

"All Black Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,...." he writes.

"I'm not an All Black fan either!" the boy said.

"I thought everyone in Auckland was either a Warriors or All Blacks fan.
. . . . so what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Wallaby fan!", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little Bastard from Australia Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Fatherted

03-11-11, 07:03 PM

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach Australia couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,'What's wrong now?'

Bloody Hell!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'

Pronto

05-11-11, 10:45 AM

OK, this new controller is going to turn me into a console fanboy. Bye bye PC...

http://furiousfanboys.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/best-game-ever.jpg

bensonMB

06-11-11, 02:12 AM

omg, where do I put my 20c?

Subzero

07-11-11, 10:48 PM

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e359/billymb/313316_253844454668093_145264252192781_756856_3947 45117_n1.jpg

Subzero

16-11-11, 02:17 PM

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e359/billymb/309626_292786960743026_100000351722150_1049305_170 1381254_n1.jpg

Pronto

16-11-11, 08:15 PM

Please be 18.

Fatherted

18-11-11, 05:05 PM

BRUTAL, but some of these are a riot.

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

__________________________________________________ __

Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

.... It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

__________________________________________________ ____

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

__________________________________________________ __

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.

In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

__________________________________________________ __

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going –cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

__________________________________________________ __

I saw a fortune teller the other day.

She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spoooky or what?

__________________________________________________ ___

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

.... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

Subzero

20-11-11, 05:42 PM

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e359/billymb/314510_223371854399401_212147665521820_531289_7087 96457_n1.jpg

Fatherted

22-11-11, 07:00 AM

An Australian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan ....

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood....into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit.........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Pronto

13-12-11, 03:47 PM

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got?

It was awesome.

__________________________________________________ ________________________

I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.

Twenty seconds into it my cock went floppy.

She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"

"Of course I can" I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."

Fatherted

08-01-12, 12:45 PM

This is a real tear jerker

Beautiful story

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you?

Fatherted

16-01-12, 06:06 PM

http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/2062/adayintyhelifethumb.jpg

zavrix

16-01-12, 07:02 PM

Haahahahahahaahahahaahah not a nice thought

Fatherted

19-01-12, 07:18 AM

Some pick up lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Pronto

22-01-12, 07:48 PM

Before my next visit to the proctologist, I'm gonna write a message on a little scrap of paper and shove it up my bum, so he'll see it with his endoscope:
"These are not the 'rhoids you're looking for. Move along."

Pronto

22-01-12, 07:58 PM

The good: waking up to find you're home safe after a wild night out.

The bad: looking in the mirror to find a cock drawn on your face.

The ugly: finding out it was traced.

Fatherted

22-01-12, 09:05 PM

THE STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Pronto

30-01-12, 10:08 PM

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

Fatherted

07-02-12, 08:30 AM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Fatherted

19-02-12, 11:43 AM

sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

Fatherted

21-02-12, 10:04 PM

Greek Payout

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.