View Full Version : Politically Incorrect ****ADULTS ONLY ***
I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!!!
>>>>>>>>>>
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,
so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says,
"You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies,
"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,
“ Fuck off it'll be too painful.'"
**********
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
>>>>>>>>>>>
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him,
"What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said,
"Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man walks into a petrol station and says,
"Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man,
"I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,
"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said,
"Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
He hehe heheh nice one Jad
excellent :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
oldfart
28-04-09, 04:00 PM
Good one Jad LOL LOL...
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo
bensonMB
28-04-09, 09:52 PM
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Lol guys, lmao:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,.
"Wow, she's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms
Out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager begin to emit a "beep, beep, beep".
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f***** life, she's reversing!
Staff Warning - Swearing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.His
wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put
on her coat. He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too..' He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.
CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAMS
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
oldfart
30-04-09, 04:44 PM
Jewish Sex
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their
Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize
and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and
the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it in reverse. Have the young man make love
to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice They go home and hire, the
same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm
and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
bensonMB
30-04-09, 05:10 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nan and Pop went for their annual check up, the doctor comes back with Pops test results.....
"Im sorry Pop But we are going to need more samples for testing, this time we are going to need a Urine sample and a Stool sample"
Pop "what was that son my hearing.....'
Nan inturupts " For christ's sake Pop just give your bloody undies would ya"
two dyslexics riding in a car
#1 "hey can you smell gas?"
#2 "don't be a funny c*nt you know i cant even smell my name"
oldfart
30-04-09, 07:09 PM
LOL
oldfart
30-04-09, 07:20 PM
This will make your eyes water..... OH DEAR
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes.... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
A Maori truckie walks into a roadsidecafe with a full-grown moa behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the moa, 'What's yours?’
'I'll have the same,' says the moa.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the moa come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The moa says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the moa.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Check it out' says the truckie, 'a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's 2L of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody moa?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a round ass and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
oldfart
30-04-09, 09:27 PM
Gees man fantastic lol....
oldfart
30-04-09, 09:42 PM
And then there was the one about ....
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and
embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chickens."
Um i saw this on tv, Myth Busters
oldfart
30-04-09, 10:04 PM
With duck shooting this weekend this could be on the cards LOL...
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
28th|MB|]-[ats*
30-04-09, 11:13 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WoB3n4v-rUQ&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WoB3n4v-rUQ&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
28th|MB|]-[ats*
30-04-09, 11:20 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/PlpRYr5pDAA&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/PlpRYr5pDAA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-3-1.jpg
oldfart
01-05-09, 07:01 PM
lol.. Poor piglet
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before
you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
bensonMB
04-05-09, 12:43 AM
I love it! Im gonna F**K the dog into you, LOL.
http://vidfan.com/media/2662/Phone-sex-in-the-elevator-obviously-NSFW.html
Wonder if it works by txting also :001_tt2:
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School in Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and
Several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own Behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's upcoming wedding.
"It's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already - the flowers, the church, the cars, the rings."
Archie nods approvingly.
"Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie. "That's grand. And what's the tartan?"
"Oh," says Jock. "I imagine she'll be in white."
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten-minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
The following conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response...total silence)
10 BEST GOLF CADDY REPLIES
GOLFER: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
CADDY: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
GOLFER: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
CADDY: "Try heaven, you've already moved the earth."
GOLFER: "Do you think my game is improving?"
CADDY: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
GOLFER: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
CADDY: "Eventually."
GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
CADDY: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
GOLFER: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
CADDY: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
GOLFER: "How do you like my game?"
CADDY: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
GOLFER: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
CADDY: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
GOLFER: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
CADDY: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Comment
GOLFER: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
CADDY: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir .
Lol "Send 'em up, I'll wait!"....Classic
oldfart
11-05-09, 04:53 PM
Ferrari fired their pit crew last week.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maori youths.
The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red beer, an HQ Holden and a quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
Priceless :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
bensonMB
11-05-09, 10:20 PM
ROFL
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
bensonMB
05-06-09, 10:32 AM
ROFL
oldfart
05-06-09, 03:55 PM
Two Maoris making a letter bomb
Rangi- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?
Heke- Dunno open it and see.
Rangi- But it will explode!
Heke - Dont be dumb Bro its not addressed to you.
:PDT_Armataz_01_42[1
oldfart
07-06-09, 05:47 PM
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,
'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, But when is the last time you had sex?
''1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest And said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, After glancing at his watch,
'I Hope Not; It's Only 2130 Now.'
(Gotta Love Military Time)
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a French Airbus?
Half way.
oldfart
07-06-09, 07:25 PM
LOL
Subzero
07-06-09, 07:37 PM
Two Maoris making a letter bomb
Rangi- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?
Heke- Dunno open it and see.
Rangi- But it will explode!
Heke - Dont be dumb Bro its not addressed to you.
:PDT_Armataz_01_42[1
LOL :biglaugh[1]::smile:
Wisdom
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-7.jpg
When you see a woman...
And want her badly..
Please consider the following...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled1-3.jpg
No matter how beautiful she is.....
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled2-2.jpg
No matter how sexy she is...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled3-2.jpg
No matter how seductive she is...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled4-2.jpg
No matter how cute and sweet she is .
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled5-2.jpg
No matter how nice her beaver is...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled6-2.jpg
No matter how huge her melons are...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled7-1.jpg
Somewhere on this planet
a man is enjoying a beer
because he is tired of her shit...
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled1-4.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled2-3.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled3-3.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled4-3.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled5-3.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled7-2.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled8-1.jpg
Why wedding dresses are white....
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour,
to which the son replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
AND the washing machine,
AND the stove, etc. etc.
Then he tells the son:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
oldfart
11-06-09, 07:37 PM
LOl LOL ...
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of a round of golf, Steve hit his ball into
The woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow
Buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
Thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden… POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long
It took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what
You have done, you won't have any butter for your
Popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you
Won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of
Your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any
Butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... She was gone!
After Steve recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
Brother, 'Thomas, where are you?'
Thomas yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy
Willows.'
Steve shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Thomas; FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
oldfart
18-07-09, 03:01 PM
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,
but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
oldfart
21-07-09, 06:45 PM
Bloody classic LOL ................:PDT_Armataz_01_14[1
oldfart
21-07-09, 06:47 PM
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the
French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
Carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs
Officer asked sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs
Officer said.
The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to
Show it.'
'Impossible! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f------ Frenchmen to show it to.'
:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
Did You Know?
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, ate.
And,
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more
letters, it spells out:
"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?
bensonMB
24-07-09, 12:25 PM
ROFL
Ditto :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
*
*
Jad ever heard of Salman Rushdie ? :PDT_Armataz_01_35[1:001_tt2:
sweetbix
24-07-09, 06:01 PM
lol, i have, he wrote that book that got him a fatwa :D its just been taken off but i cant remember the name of the book :S
lol, i have, he wrote that book that got him a fatwa :D its just been taken off but i cant remember the name of the book :S
The Satanic Verses
sweetbix
25-07-09, 09:59 AM
thanks :D
Which caused him a large security problem for about 10 yrs ?
But no one ever has a go at The Pope as his army of assassins the jesuits.:emot-ninja[1]:
I remember when the Satanic Verses came out. The New Plymouth Public Library splurged and bought three copies. They were booked in advance for just under two years.
sweetbix
25-07-09, 08:46 PM
its cos the pope can afford ninjas!!!!! :D ive never actually read it, ive seen it at friends houses, bt never actually got round to reading it :D is it any good?
its cos the pope can afford ninjas!!!!! :D ive never actually read it, ive seen it at friends houses, bt never actually got round to reading it :D is it any good?
Dunno - haven't bothered reading it either.
sweetbix
26-07-09, 01:09 AM
lol, well that solves that lil problem i suppose.................. anyway moving on how bout that weather? :D
TBH I never read it either... all the publicity I just thought it was a stunt,however it turned out he really was very scarred by the Fatawah and his personal security almost bank rupted him at one stage.However its a funny wee world.
The Jesuits history is also very intriguing and they have been around for at least 300yrs.
Oddly enough they popped up in some strange places they were rumored to have been in Japan and started converting the Warlords there,but trade was the key roll and securing wealth for ROME. a large proportion were French which takes us back to Old Farts joke :PDT_Armataz_01_14[1 but it was more likely because of the French Kings and their allegiances with various Popes.
Hehehe and feminist politicians think infiltrating the UN is gunna be good for them . Dan Archer certainly put some theories out there but it all boils down to the most powerful empire on the planet who started the whole banking world,then removed the founding fathers and took it all over.
Which reminds me its sunday
http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9769/artt.th.jpg (http://img263.imageshack.us/i/artt.jpg/)
this is a rough of an abstract about what I think of whats been done in the name of christianity
Which reminds me its sunday
And what a beautiful 7th day it is. Sorry I have a dull imagination Wabs, what does that picture portray?
It is the sign of Christianity and a drop of blood..... Which you could read in to it that religion (or more to the point of the picture, christianity) causes war, death and 'spilt blood'....
Am I on the right lines?
lol well done Meds .
The blood is shaped to a teardrop but thats just an idea on gib board hehehehe.
oldfart
26-07-09, 10:08 PM
Sorry Nick LOL..................
Nice Bike+++
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
oldfart
27-07-09, 07:32 PM
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
>> When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
>> painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
>> years
> they
>> had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
>> intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
>> entire laundry
> list of un-met
>> needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
>> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
>> time, the
> therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
> stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts
> and
>> crotch. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though
>> she was
> in a daze.
>> The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
> needs at least three times a week......
>> Can you do this?"The husband thought for a moment and replied
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Wait for it!
>
>
>
>
>
> "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
> Fridays, I play golf.
religion (or more to the point of the picture, christianity) causes war, death and 'spilt blood'....
Am I on the right lines?
lol well done Meds .
The blood is shaped to a teardrop but thats just an idea on gib board hehehehe.
I agree with religion causing war because 'religion' sets people apart. And when dropping in Christianity are we talking Crusades?
Hehe we might need to make a new thread on this topic :001_tt2:
oldfart
01-08-09, 09:05 AM
Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches no matter What....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich...
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are!
Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!
Brilliant :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
oldfart
01-08-09, 10:41 PM
FW: The Giraffe Test
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe??, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. You put the elephant in the refrigerator. You just put him in there you goose!.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. have you not been listening? The crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting??. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
A surgeon went to check on his blond patient. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/clip_image001-1.jpg
he surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
:PDT_Armataz_01_14[1
Great way to start the day ty guys Bren and jad :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
oldfart
05-08-09, 04:28 PM
How bloody blond can you get LOL nice one .....
Thanks Wabli LOL...
oldfart
06-08-09, 07:39 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'
oldfart
06-08-09, 07:42 PM
On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
> The pump attendant knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish
> manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
> "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
> Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
> As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
> "What are those?, asks the attendant.
> "They're called tees"replies Tiger.
> "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
> "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
> "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman,
> "BMW thinks of everything."
>
>
>
> Have a great day
oldfart
06-08-09, 07:49 PM
How embarrassing...................................... ...:001_tt2:
Hotel Related Incident
A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
oldfart
17-08-09, 04:40 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
OK, who wants one?
Look down………..
PRICELESS !!!!!!!!
Apple does it again
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.
lol! Where do you order them from?
oldfart
18-08-09, 08:44 PM
One question ..... Where do they put the subwoofer ????? And don't you mention anything in the feline area..
One question ..... Where do they put the subwoofer ????? And don't you mention anything in the feline area..
Subs at the back of course :PDT_Armataz_01_14[1
oldfart
19-08-09, 09:37 AM
Subs at the back of course :PDT_Armataz_01_14[1
How did Billy get into this LOL....
Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.1st little boy says alligator. "Very good thats a big word". . . 2nd boy says predator . . "Yes thats another big word". 3rd boy says Vibarator miss.... After nearly falling off her chair ,she says."That's a big word but it doesn't eat anything.!" "Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries..!"
oldfart
19-08-09, 03:29 PM
Bloody good one Jad LOL...
oldfart
21-08-09, 07:25 PM
Sunbathing Cowboy
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, "Marion ... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .... I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob, you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
sweetbix
24-08-09, 11:16 AM
lolz
oldfart
24-08-09, 02:59 PM
Of all the luck LOL... Nice one Jad..
What does 30 seconds spray and premature ejaculation have in common?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqGl5Y9DtaA
You just spray and walk away! :FIREdevil[1]:
oldfart
25-08-09, 12:34 PM
What does 30 seconds spray and premature ejaculation have in common?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqGl5Y9DtaA
You just spray and walk away! :FIREdevil[1]:
Jad you getting down to the bottom of the barrel now LOL....
oldfart
25-08-09, 12:42 PM
Pants and Panties:
Jad was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Jad, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, "Here, try these on.''
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," said Jad. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Jad took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on... "
She tried them on and said, "These are too large... They don't fit me."
Jad said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Jad. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
Jad did and said, "I can't get into your panties."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
OH dear .................
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE'S BEEN LOCKED UP FOR 15YRS.
HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS.
INSIDE,HE FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED.
HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF THE BED AND HE TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.
WHILE TYING THE HOMEOWNER'S WIFE TO THE BED, THE CONVICT GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE IS IN THERE, THE HUSBAND WHISPERS OVER TO HIS WIFE:
"LISTEN, THIS GUY IS AN ESCAPED CONVICT.
LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE HAS PROBABLY SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS.
I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK.
IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN...
DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU.
SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU.
THIS GUY IS OBVIOUSLY VERY DANGEROUS.
IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE COULD KILL US BOTH.
BE STRONG, HONEY. "I LOVE YOU!"
HIS WIFE RESPONDS:
"HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK.
HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR.
HE TOLD ME THAT HE'S GAY, THINKS YOU'RE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE.
I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM.
BE STRONG HONEY. "I LOVE YOU TOO!"
oldfart
26-08-09, 11:47 AM
lol lol
| || ||| || | (Barcode)
26-08-09, 04:02 PM
LMAO>>
sweetbix
26-08-09, 04:44 PM
lolz heard that before till funny :D
oldfart
26-08-09, 07:35 PM
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails. You hang in there, Sunshine . ....
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails. You hang in there, Sunshine . ....
Shouldnt it be...
FACT: 1 old timer is writing in the forums. You hang in there, Sunshine.....
oldfart
28-08-09, 07:19 PM
Lol M3dic...
You got to love this one ................
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession..
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope.
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
A notable gynaecologist once said,
The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/engrish-funny-dont-choking.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/engrish-funny-magical-pants1.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/engrish-funny-sleep-full.jpg
A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
Maj.Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg,
15 NT101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,
ONT.
K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen;
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these 20matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. For short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember. We'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially, Gordon O'Connor
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'..
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good also Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
sweetbix
07-09-09, 01:44 PM
lolz jad
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLYGIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL ANd ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '..
oldfart
07-09-09, 10:28 PM
Nice one Jad LOL LOL..
Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math. His parents had tried everything. tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little
Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little
Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.
When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week who was there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.
"Last night I was slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise!
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So Here I am!
oldfart
08-09-09, 03:58 PM
Forgive me for this one lol.....
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Maori 2 metres tall and 150
kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay finally plucks up the courage to say
something to the big Maori.
Leaning over towards the Maori he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Maori leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the
sword-swallower in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool...
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving the little
man bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the
bar.
Amazed, the bar man quickly brings over another beer.
I've never seen you react like that, he says, Just what did he say to you?'
"I'm not sure", the Maori replies, "Something about a job..."
http://www.wankerscorner.com/
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Subzero
09-09-09, 02:59 PM
:22[1]:
sweetbix
09-09-09, 11:46 PM
holy hell!!!!!!! :08[1]:
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Hornet created a monster :FIREdevil[1]:
sweetbix
10-09-09, 03:19 PM
lol no jad, you've always been a monster :001_tt2:, hornet jus allowed u to share ure wickedness with the rest of us :FIREdevil[1]::shiner[1]:
Watch your wedding video backwards.You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & fuck off with your mates :FIREdevil[1]:
Subzero
10-09-09, 04:19 PM
:bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]::bow[1]: :22[1]:
oldfart
10-09-09, 06:05 PM
Oh darn the bros have done it again LOL....
40 Maoris arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying "I've got 40 Maoris here.
Can I let them in?"
God says
"We are over the quota on Bros. Go out and tell them to choose between themselves which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in."
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
"They've gone", he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f----kin gates'.
Watch your wedding video backwards.You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & fuck off with your mates :FIREdevil[1]:
That is f@cking awesome!
Had Tourettes…
E.I.E.I cunt, fuck, bollocks, wanker
They have said at work I have tourettes but i just said fuck that you wanker :FIREdevil[1]:
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Australia.
I have another one but it is a bit low even for my Standards :63[1]:
sweetbix
14-09-09, 01:16 PM
do it :FIREdevil[1]:
A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party, you're fucking lucky you don't bark! :FIREdevil[1]:
oldfart
14-09-09, 02:27 PM
Gees Jad what circles do you move in .... Keep em coming LOL...:PDT_Armataz_01_36[1
Not every Flower can say Love. But a Rose can. Not every Plant survives Thirst. But a Cactus can. Not every Retard can Read, But look at you having a go! :devilfinger[1]:
oldfart
15-09-09, 04:28 PM
Ok Jad you win, you got me LOL.....
An Irishman,an Indian and a Brit are having lunch together. The Brit gets out a ham sandwich and says "aw no not ham again, if I have ham tomorrow ill jump off the bridge"!..The Indian gets out a cheese sandwich and says "aw no not cheese again,if i have cheese tomorrow ill jump off a bridge"!...The Irishman gets out a peanut butter sandwich and says "aw no not peanut butter if i have peanut butter tomorrow ill jump off a bridge"!...The next day the Brit gets a ham sandwich and at the funeral his wife says "if only he had told me i would have made him something else"!...the Indian gets cheese and at the funeral his wife says"If only he had told me i would have made something different"!...the Irishman gets peanut butter and at the funeral the wife says "He makes his own lunch"!!!!
oldfart
15-09-09, 10:48 PM
Oh shit LOL....:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A lady walked i nto a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help you?”
“Yes” she said, “I'd like to report a case of sexual assault”.
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me”.
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.
“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an England Cricketer”.
“That's very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”
“No E2, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long”.
oldfart
18-09-09, 09:30 PM
The Nagger
HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..
The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes
underneath the horse, not on top
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
| || ||| || | (Barcode)
20-09-09, 06:54 PM
LMAO...nice one chris
2 More..
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
f**k....
This one gets me ROFL'ing most times i read it.
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.
THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.
THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERWEAR AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.
THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.
SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
oldfart
21-09-09, 07:37 AM
Yes for sure tears of joy :bawling[1]: LOL LOL.... Bloody good one :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
> >
> > Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
> >
> > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> > his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> > my
> > interest.
> >
> > The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> > something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
> >
> > The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
> > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> > to retreat to safety....??
> >
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
> > I
> > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> > button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
> > get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> > prongs.
> >
> > AWESOME!!!
> >
> > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> > on the face of her microwave.
> >
> > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> > it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
> >
> > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> > (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
> > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> > target.
> >
> > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> > second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> > advertised. Am I wrong?
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> > glasses
> > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> > and tazer in another.
> >
> > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> > and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
> > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> > batteries.
> >
> > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> > AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
> > possible way!'
> >
> > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best
> ....
> >
> > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> > side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
> > burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....
> >
> > HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .. WHAT THE ....!!!
> >
> > I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
> > in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
> >
> > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> > to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> > living room.
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
> > note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
> > zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
> > second burst would be considered conservative!
> >
> > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> > surveyed the landscape.
> >
> > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> > originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
> >
> > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> > sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
> > my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
> > testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
> >
> > P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
> > and
> > now regularly threatens me with it!
> >
> > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.
You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action
was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a
massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself'
road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the
night before were staging a revolt...
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The
peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious
cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move
for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the
corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an
invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking
and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees..
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG
mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending
to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir,
you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set
off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high
for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
oldfart
21-09-09, 07:54 PM
Jad that one at Bunnings was a bloody hit .. Really pissing myself LOL... Fantastic... :PDT_Armataz_01_40[1
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.. Nick the
Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he
had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this
and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick
readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only
the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a
hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared
less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and
with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . .
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/ATT463977.jpg
FINERSTYLEZ
23-09-09, 09:48 AM
bwahhahahahaaaa.... good shit
Three little ducks go into a Bar......�
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.�
'Huey,' was the reply.�
'How's your day been, Huey?'�
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else
could a duck want?' said Huey.�
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.�
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddle s
all day myself. What else could a duck want?'�
The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
'So, you must be Louie?
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.�
'My name is Puddles.'
oldfart
26-09-09, 07:53 PM
LORD,.... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
Lord, they are finally together.
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret
Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?
Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
oldfart
26-09-09, 08:27 PM
Subject: Too true
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Brit are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer in his glass, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Brit, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,he says,
'In Britain we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Great Britain
sweetbix
27-09-09, 12:48 PM
bwahahhaahahhhaaha its true, god bless great britain :FIREdevil[1]::PDT_Armataz_01_34[1 oh and the amount of illegal immigrants :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc159/28thMBHornet/image1-1.jpg
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc159/28thMBHornet/image1.jpg
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc159/28thMBHornet/image3.jpg
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc159/28thMBHornet/image6.jpg
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc159/28thMBHornet/image9.jpg
oldfart
28-09-09, 10:51 PM
Hahahaha - love it :))))
S
The Irish Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun
dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a
huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting
at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a
drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to
ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk
slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender
poured the drink and the woman chugged it
down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and
asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me,
Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,
but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk
replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a
ballerina!'
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
oldfart
03-10-09, 10:23 PM
Two Maoris are riding along the road on a motorbike.
They break down and start trying to hitching a lift.
A friendly truck driver stops to see if he can help and the 2 Maori's ask
him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling
balls.
The Maoris’ put it to him that if they can manage to fit in the back with
their bike will he give them a lift and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
truck and the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough a cop pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
jokingly-- 'Maori eggs'.
The officer obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers
as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Maori eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the
buggers have managed to steal a motorbike already'
:PDT_Armataz_01_40[1
Psychopath Test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did Not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can disown you.
oldfart
05-10-09, 02:18 PM
I promise Jad I had no answer LOL....:PDT_Armataz_01_36[1
Finally a test that I PASSED :bow[1]:
oldfart
11-10-09, 10:26 PM
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating..'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
oldfart
11-10-09, 10:29 PM
--Bunnings has everything!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . ... . A lot cheaper than a
Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the ringer,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer
and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the ringer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the ringer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'
those are bloody beauts bren and jared.
if the answer is "what a crock"
whats the question..
What do Asian people say when they see Big Ben for the 1st time
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-7.jpg
OMG :PDT_Armataz_01_11[1:PDT_Armataz_01_11[1
oldfart
16-10-09, 09:46 AM
Jad .............. you are a worry ..... Gone are the days of the veedub look LOL...
oldfart
20-10-09, 01:42 PM
STOLEN CAR
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Sssshomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crutch and without missing a beat, blurts out...
"Holy ssshit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
oldfart
20-10-09, 01:45 PM
The Irish wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said , 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched scream ! A cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked , 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered , 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed , 'That's what finished him off? ’
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts. ’
oldfart
20-10-09, 04:35 PM
A blind Australian guy enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a
'dumb blonde' joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell any jokes on dumb blondes,
sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know
five things..
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a PhD, a black belt in
Karate and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
oldfart
21-10-09, 04:34 PM
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! "
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the
farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it
to the car and pulls him out.
The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life."
Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!!
Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you."
The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,
"Grab onto my Willy." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse Saves the chickens' life.
The moral of the story ?????
If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to pick up
chicks...
:PDT_Armataz_01_37[1
That is classic OLD :PDT_Armataz_01_14[1
oldfart
22-10-09, 10:31 PM
This could happen to you LOL....
>A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>
> 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we
> started swearing.'
>
> The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
> 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
> swear after me, ok?'
>
> 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants
> for breakfast.
>
> 'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
>
> WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
> up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
>
> She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice,' And what do
> YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
>
> 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops!'
What to do if seated next to a jerk on an airplane:
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply, open the following site, and listen intently:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
Not sure how true this is, but worth a laugh!!
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot
yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but
brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The
abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,
E,
I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That
would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a
fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Sicilian prefers prison to house arrest with wife !
http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/091022/5/f9mi.html
now that I can understand !!!!
perhaps McVicar wants to look at this option. :bawling[1]:
This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by an Inspector from the Ministry of Agriculture & Fisheries
(MAF). He says to the Maori fella "Hey, it looks like you caught a couple of undersize crayfish".
The Maori fella says "Nah Bro' these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach every day for a swim and when I whistle, they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe ...him and says "you should know it's illegal to catch undersized crayfish and he starts writing out a ticket for a fine".
Then the Maori fella says "Nah Bro' they are pets, you just watch this" and he chucks the crayfish into the surf. The MAF officer then says "OK, lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you then." The Maori fella says "What crayfish??"
oldfart
28-10-09, 07:55 PM
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.?
The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'?
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'?
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'?
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'?
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'?
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'?
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fockin' candle.'
Smoov.E
29-10-09, 07:38 AM
Last two are the absolute best, in my humble opinion. :D The rest are pretty funny, but those ones made me lol.:PDT_Armataz_01_30[1
http://listverse.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/hilarious-1-tm.jpg?w=262&h=400
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oldfart
30-10-09, 09:24 PM
Sex in the Shower
In a recent survey requested by Prime Minister of New Zealand John Key, NZ Maori have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of NZ Maori, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn ' t been to prison yet.
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
" The farmer says,
"Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try and answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Try me" the man says.
The farmer relenting, continued
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?"
the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!"
but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?"
the man asked again. "
Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."
oldfart
02-11-09, 03:43 PM
The Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said
she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black
panties,
and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Love it OLD :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
rofl thats a good one bren
Some of you may already be aware that my wife started taking
flying lessons quite some time ago and she finally got her full
license last week.
Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped
injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to
make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather,
thank God no one else was with her.
The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was
flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating)
conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)
rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel
on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent
of damage to her aircraft.
She was really lucky.
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-7.jpg
oldfart
03-11-09, 03:00 PM
Bloody hell Jad you had me going there for a while LOL....:FIREdevil[1]:
oldfart
05-11-09, 10:12 PM
MY NAME IS JUST FRED......
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
oldfart
05-11-09, 11:24 PM
TRUE LOVE
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc......
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."
oldfart
11-11-09, 09:26 AM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
I have found out why my computer is so temperamental!
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/eePBp.jpg
Should put a pool table in there instead jad.
oldfart
11-11-09, 02:11 PM
I wonder if she has any viruses Jad...
Keep this spot warm guys I'm going fishing for a few days..
Make sure you tell us stories afterwards about the fish you caught that was thiiiiiiiiis long. :PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....
'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullsh!t!'
oldfart
13-11-09, 07:53 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
Smiles and says,
'Fill the fucker with water.'
Smoov.E
14-11-09, 07:12 AM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
Smiles and says,
'Fill the fucker with water.'
muhahahhaahahahaahahaahahaha good one olds:all_coholic[1]:
Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". Shocked she slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina?". "Yes" she says. The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!?"
A man in London walked into the produce section of his
local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager
about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the
manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find
that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his
way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people
who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and
rugby players there."
"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is
from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?"
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next"
oldfart
18-11-09, 10:29 AM
http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj307/goldwing05/Harawira.jpg
If Airlines Sold Paint
________________________________________
Clerk: Welcome to Bigname Airlines, how can I help?
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with Bigname Airlines
oldfart
24-11-09, 02:13 PM
An Irish priest was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
oldfart
27-11-09, 09:50 PM
HEHEHE....
Beware of old men!!!!!!!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/711382-dead-flies-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/713096-dead-flies-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/713099-dead-flies-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/713664-dead-flies-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/714100-dead-fly-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/737955-dead-flies-art.jpg
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/739003-dead-flies-art.jpg
privatepartsnz
01-12-09, 08:58 AM
Where the hell did you find that Jad??
oldfart
01-12-09, 07:55 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
oldfart
04-12-09, 03:46 PM
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his joggers and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
oldfart
04-12-09, 08:33 PM
DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?
A MAORI FELLA FROM TE KUITI DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE LAND TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO TOKAROA , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY A WHILE. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL LOGGING COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE MAORI FELLA PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT "FELLAZ" A PINUS RADIATA MATE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS..
"THAT'S A RIMU AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR !!!!
ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING THE MAORI FELLA SAYS, "DOUGLAS FIR BRO , 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST MATE ........."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE MAORI FELLA IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS HIMTO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!! " THE MAORI FELLA SAY'S "IS THIS THE SIGNING OF THE TREATY ALL OVER AGAIN BRO"
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
WHEN THE MAORI FELLA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT'S THE FRONT BRO ," THE MAORI FELLA SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?
THE MAORI FELLA WITH A LITTLE SMILE ON HIS FACE AND WIPING HIS BOOT ON THE GRASS SAYS ! "CUZ SOMEFELLA JUST SHIT BEHIND IT !""
He GOT THE JOB.
oldfart
09-12-09, 09:50 PM
An Irishman, lost on the back roads of Ireland , stops his car in a little village and goes into the local pub to ask for directions.
"Could ye possibly tell me which is the quickest way to Dublin ?" he asks the barman,
"Indeed I could," says the barman. "Are you walking or are yo driving ?"
"I'm driving'" he answers....
"Right", said the barman, " that's definitely the quickest way!!".
oldfart
17-12-09, 06:31 PM
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."
sweetbix
08-02-10, 12:56 PM
Recipe for Banana Bread
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana
Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.
N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf
bensonMB
29-03-10, 04:34 PM
Can you imagine reaching for the ball in here.
http://216.218.248.240/datastore/84/67/b/8467bc09a36f1f6b59c154bc1d1dfb5f.jpg
privatepartsnz
29-03-10, 05:25 PM
:PDT_Armataz_01_32[1
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A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here
oldfart
03-06-10, 06:36 PM
:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
Fatherted
04-06-10, 07:05 AM
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the clay pigeon club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice cup of tea, And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a browning 32-inch shotgun jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his gun.
oldfart
04-06-10, 08:03 AM
Mental note to myself....... get rid of all weapons and sledge hammers...:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
bensonMB
04-06-10, 08:56 AM
Ha love it
Mental note to myself....... get rid of all weapons and sledge hammers...:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
wasnt aware MRS Bren had any :FIREdevil[1]:
Fatherted
12-06-10, 10:16 AM
said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."
What fun that was...
This is worth a look love the humor Tama's son.
http://www.maoritelevision.com/Default.aspx?tabid=75&pid=7603&epid=5877
Fatherted
18-06-10, 03:53 PM
check this out http://www.pwned.nl/
bensonMB
18-06-10, 06:11 PM
Deep Father...pretty deep
Auckland Police Announcement. (N.Z.)
Police in Auckland just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin $50 million in forged NZ banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Mangere.
Local residents were stunned !!
A community maori elder said,
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a bloody Library!!"
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/Untitled-12.jpg
GENIUS
SNOOTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name..
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS.
oldfart
22-06-10, 04:09 PM
Hear ye .... Hear ye .....:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1
28th|MB|]-[ats*
14-07-10, 06:54 PM
Listen to this 1930s dirty old song:eek:
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Nice find Hats, ROFLMFAO. I bet Benny's grandad was his songwriter.
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/PaultheOctopus.jpg
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