We need a joke thread when you get a chance

[Jad51]

Defense Attorney:




Will you please state your age?





Little Old Lady:




I am 76 years old.



Defense Attorney:




Will you tell us, in your own words,




What happened the night of April 1st?





Little Old Lady:




There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.





Defence Attorney:




Did you know him?





Little Old Lady:




No, but he sure was friendly.





Little Old Lady:




He started to rub my thigh.





Defence Attorney:




Did you stop him?





Little Old Lady:




No, I didn't stop him.





Defence Attorney:




Why not?





Little Old Lady:




It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.





Defence Attorney:




What happened next?





Little Old Lady:




He began to touch my breasts.





Defence Attorney:




Did you stop him then?





Little Old Lady:




No, I certainly did not!





Defence Attorney:

Whyever not?





Little Old Lady:



His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!





Defence Attorney:




What happened next?





Little Old Lady:




Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'





Did he take you?





Little Old Lady:




Hel*, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

:FIREdevil[1]:

[bensonMB]

LOL

[stransky]

For Fisherman--- Pipe


A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because
it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[Subzero]

LOL!!

[bensonMB]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[NaTiVe]

haha

[Hornet]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

[zavrix]

Lmafo, nice one Hornet

[MasterJ]

reminds me of myself really!....lol

[oldfart]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul
Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be
gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your
husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop
dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[oldfart]

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't l augh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers inLouisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below.


~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all l au ghing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of l au ghter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days bec au se my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

[Hornet]

lol

"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!"

[oldfart]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.



If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable.
Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse.

'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No shit?'

Gotta luv Aussie slang!

[Spiers]

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.

"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started....

:shiner[1]:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started....

:FIREdevil[1]:

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

:PDT_Armataz_01_17[1

I rear-ended a car this morning.

There we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it-he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started....

:PDT_Armataz_01_19[1

[oldfart]

LOL good stuff

[Jad51]

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-2.jpg

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.


The End [/SIZE]

[Jad51]

THE GINGHAM DRESS

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston , and walked timidly without an appointment in to the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge .

'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly. 'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped. 'We'll wait,' the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.

'Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said to him!

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted to ward the couple. The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.

He loved Harvard.. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked. 'Madam,' he said, gruffly, 'we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.'

'Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly. 'We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, 'A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard.'

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, 'Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?'

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto , California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University , a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

[oldfart]

Way to go LOL..

[oldfart]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,
and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was; but useless in a fight.'

[oldfart]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'

[Wabli]

LOL

I dont want to burst anyones bubble but the story of Stanford isnt historically correct.
Nice story though.:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

[oldfart]

Oh hell Wabli now you have ruined it for me ..... BUGGA

[Jad51]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[oldfart]

LOl Jad you too much..:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

[Jad51]

Two cows:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws

the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters

of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a

debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all

four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights

of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman

Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells

the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual

report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving

you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow

and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and

market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,

and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your

country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

[oldfart]

Gees Jad had to bring a cut lunch to read that one and I still only have 1 cow LOL...

[Pronto]

Gees Jad had to bring a cut lunch to read that one and I still only have 1 cow LOL...

Better hope she doesn't read that then Bren!

[oldfart]

Oh dear never thought of it that way:PDT_Armataz_01_35[1 (as he goes for the hammer to demolish the pc ) Don't you say anything MATE ok ???

[Spiers]

LOL Jaddy that's fantastic!

[Jad51]

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-5.jpg

[Jad51]

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/ATT000311.jpg

[Jad51]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD


This Is AMAZING!!!


Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.


Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. !


*



*

*
*

*
*
*



http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-6.jpg

[bensonMB]

ROFL

[Jad51]

Bloody fantastic. A firm with a sense of humour, at last.





A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.







A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.







The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:







Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.







The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Jad51]

http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/untitled-9.jpg

[gazza]

Here's the thing,-----

You are on a bus and you fart--:redface:

luckily the music is loud so you keep farting,---:tongue:

When you leave the bus , everyone is looking at you---:eek:

And realise that you are listening to your ipod.....:PDT_Armataz_01_13[1:Flush[1]:

[oldfart]

Nice one Gaz

[oldfart]

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cute glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned

With tea and
scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[Jad51]

"BEER"




Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude an d punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam afterBeer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

[Jad51]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The Teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy Stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of The eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very Good, Billy,"
Then Turned to Mary and continued..."As For you, young lady,I have three things to say:
One, You have a dirty mind.
Two, You didn't read your homework.
And Three, one day you are going to be very, VERY VERY Disappointed."

[Blink]

i lollled thats awesome

[oldfart]

Good one Jad...:PDT_Armataz_01_34[1

[Wabli]

Some of these are priceless, I particularly like the dope dealing one :PDT_Armataz_01_14[1



Some people have no idea.

[11:57:16] wpMEWolf -> gettin tired
[11:57:23] wpMEWolf -> and its pretty laggy
Admin: wandarah] Its laggy because there are 8187 miles (13176 km) (7115 nautical miles) between you and the server.

Two standard gamers attempt communication

[13:18:22] havocgamer -> u fuckin dumb cunt
[13:18:33] REDNZ -> ur a cunt
[13:18:39] havocgamer -> why did u get out
[13:18:47] REDNZ -> u were 2 slow
[13:19:03] REDNZ -> fuack u again

How not to be helpful

[13:09:29] havocgamer -> TKER
[13:09:34] havocgamer -> NEEDS TO BE KCIKED
[13:09:39] havocgamer -> TKER
[Admin: wandarah] Sometimes it is important to mention the name of the person you're talking about, Havocgamer.

Whats the sound of one man raving?

11:06:34] BlackDawg11 -> u die
[11:07:20] BlackDawg11 -> fuckhead!
[11:07:50] BlackDawg11 -> let me in the air bitch
[11:10:23] BlackDawg11 -> fucking bitches

Two Tk'ers reach a beautiful comprimise

[10:32:59] dancelovesinglive -> truce ok
[10:33:10] dancelovesinglive -> i got u u got me done now
[10:33:21] MaverickAuroi -> ok

I can actually see the TK tally you know

13:36:14] Ian01010101 -> that furry guy is a total team killer get him out
[Admin: wandarah] He hasnt tk'ed anyone. You have though, should I ban you?
[Admin: wandarah] Hello Ian?
[Admin: wandarah] Ian?
[Admin: wandarah] Oh, he's quit.

Being owned, perchance?

[13:28:28] nitephyre -> everyone goto iconz 9
[13:28:37] nitephyre -> this one is rigged

School Holidays

[13:59:53] L2Kill -> SKUDD PISS OFF IWANTA FLY
[14:00:16] L2Kill -> F**K OFF SKUDD WANKER
[14:12:12] L2Kill -> COMMANDER WHE I WAN TSUPPIES PROVIDE OR RESIGN
[14:12:20] L2Kill -> COMMANDER WHE I WAN TSUPPIES PROVIDE OR RESIGN
[14:12:35] kuruki -> ffs commander giv him a supply drop

Thanks so much

[14:23:53] gnear -> bleh oi thi is why i dont ply on this server
[14:23:58] gnear -> no auto balance
[Admin: wandarah] It's 15-14
[Admin: wandarah] How do you suggest I balance it?
[14:25:45] tfmsnavy4u -> hi admin
[14:26:37] tfmsnavy4u -> admin to balince the teams put auto balence on

Duh

[15:53:02] madrigal -> and why do i keep getting the message 'shot over' after i fire artillery
[15:53:27] NAK(AL)Wolf -> mabye cause its finished shooting

A Real Man

[19:04:08] st3r -> SQUAD WE're GOING ON A BASE RAPE

I say again, Computer Licenses

id.Teh_Spets -> If you can't fucking fly, SAY HI I CAN"T FUCKING FLY, PLEASE YOU FLY. Is that so FUCKING hard?!

Daemora Would Like the Team to be Aware of Incoming Arty

[18:56:46] Daemora -> arty
[18:56:49] Daemora -> arty
[18:58:26] Daemora -> arty
[18:58:28] Daemora -> arty
[18:58:31] Daemora -> arty
[18:59:42] Daemora -> arty
[18:59:44] Daemora -> arty
[18:59:47] Daemora -> arty
[19:02:01] Daemora -> arty
[19:02:04] Daemora -> arty

But what Is 'That?'

[19:27:00] Balloy -> for fucks sake!!!
[19:27:01] Vitriolic -> argh didnt mean to do that

Kids discuss US vs Metric measurements

[22:50:12] [siffin].Doi -> sup sui
[22:50:15] [siffin].Doi -> bith nigga
[22:50:23] [siffin].Doi -> 2 ozs tomorrow

Nederlands!

07:42:28] [MAC]Pommes -> lol so chasch nd game mit dem ping
MAC]Pommes -> sry ich gamg uf en andere der ping isch kack
MAC]Hursch -> fucking nederland
[08:35:57] [MAC]Hursch -> geh mal raus
[08:36:02] [MAC]Hursch -> danke leute, war nett

Whats a wheetbix!?

[10:43:13] -=ISF=-Cheech -> Avatar don't tell anyone but i got my Drivers License out of a wetbix packet.
[10:43:28] AvatarNZ -> This I know from first had experience :-)
[10:43:33] Arsonist2 -> whats a wetbix?

Owned

[12:38:36] roosta_cokadoodledoo -> haha cant hit us lol
[12:38:49] roosta_cokadoodledoo -> or you can......


Some Tard>I'm a bit drunk
Sgt_Ihoff>It's ok, so was ur mother.

[zavrix]

'Hello, is this the police?'

'Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'

Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great numbers......

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept

Using axes, they bust open every piece

of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.

The phone rings at Rangi's house...

'Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop up your firewood?'

'Yeah.'

'Happy Birthday bro!'

[Jad51]

Finally It's Done !!!!
Something I have been waiting for has finally happened!
You can expect to hear from me even more frequently now!
I finally got the bathroom remodeled!


http://i343.photobucket.com/albums/o478/Jad51/clip_image001.jpg


This gives new meaning to 'Going Online'...

[oldfart]

And also SHIT DOES HAPPEN LOL


Jad I am still laughing Bloody good shit LOL...

But where is the paper??? and don't say in the fax machine

[sweetbix]

LOL, no other explaination is needed................. except thats O for awesome!!!!

[Jad51]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ‘99.’”
The guy obeys and says, 99!
The doctor says, “Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ‘99.’”
Again, the guy says, “99.”
The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand,
and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99.”
The guy begins, “One .. Two … Three… “

[Jad51]

Only rarely does a joke of this calibre come along!
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties'

[Jad51]

Ah, the Sixties...
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Wimpy Bar, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Sue likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bl00dy dance is called the Twist!'

[oldfart]

THE TRUE STORY OF THE THREE BEARS………


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....








Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my Porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET"

[eXplo]

LOL!

[Wabli]

Priceless

[oldfart]

One of Florida's finest senior citizens went down to his local Chevrolet
> dealer and bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
>
>
> Heading off the car lot and down the road, he floored it and enjoyed the
> wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is
> great," he thought as he roared down I-95.
>
> Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Florida State Highway
> Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I
> can get away from him with no problem" thought the man as he stood on
> the gas pedal -- 80, 120, 150, 180 mph.
>
> Then, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
> He pulled over to the side of the Interstate and waited for the trooper
> to catch up with him.
>
> The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the Corvette.
> "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
> today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
> I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
>
> The man looked at the trooper and said: "Fifteen years ago, my wife ran
> off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
> back."
>
>
> The Trooper said, "Have a good day, Sir."
:PDT_Armataz_01_42[1

[Hornet]

BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER


An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand..

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!'

[pipe]

a duck walks into a bar and up to the barman

have you got any bread?

"no" replies the barman

have you got any bread?

NO!

have you got..... any bread?

NO! we dont have bread in this bar!

have you got any...TOAST?

NO WE DON"T HAVE BREAD OR ANY BREAD BY PRODUCTS! if you ask for bread one more time i'll nail your f*&%*en beak to the bar!!!!

have got some nails? the duck asks excitedly

NO

have you got any bread??

[oldfart]

Now thats cool Jas LOL...

[Hornet]

Two blondes living in Invercargill were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Auckland or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Auckland?????"

[Hornet]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[Hornet]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[28th|MB|]-[ats*]

http://www.gametrailers.com/user-movie/ninja-gaiden-sigma-2-epic/330442?playlist=featured

[Hornet]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$400,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,500,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 2,250,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go for the extra amount. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He smiles and asks:


...................

...................

...................

"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

[Wabli]

-[ats*;4942']http://www.gametrailers.com/user-movie/ninja-gaiden-sigma-2-epic/330442?playlist=featured

was looking for the british cops lmao .